Hi, I’m Jason, and I’m a Celiac. I got the “diseased maniac” line from Superman the movie (1978). I’m closer to 50 than to 30 and have had this gluten problem from birth, hence my first ever colonoscopy today. I survived!
I was a bit nervous beforehand. I’d heard the stories of prep, what I call the purge before the probe. Drink the magic potion, liquify the results. It wasn’t too terrible, but it wasn’t pleasant. Yet it was compounded by a 24-hour clear liquid-only diet. So I was…ehhhh.
So early this morning, I arrive, ready to go under. For the first time in my life, my veins did not cooperate with the nurse as she tried to establish a PICC IV line.
First, top of left hand: no good. Blew the vein. That hurt. Second, left wrist: no good. But it didn’t hurt. Yet I got really nervous (I don’t do well with needles) and my empty hungry stomach got nauseated. I felt woozy and quite discombobulated for a bit.
So my nurse called in another nurse. She goes for my right inside elbow (generally not ideal). It worked! She started with a local pain killer to help; thankful for that.
I told my wife it’d be nice to have my most chill pet guinea pig with me to calm my nerves: emotional support animal! Instead, my wife gave me her earphones, playing chill ambient music. It helped.
A colonoscopy is not as invasive as an actual surgery (I had one before), so I was disappointed to not get the happy relax juice before being wheeled through the corridors to the surgery room. I was sober (though sleepy from the prior night of…prep) and felt very conspicuous with a blue hair net and the Gown of Shame (I did have a warm blanket though, which was great). There were many doctors and nurses to pass by; I was just another customer/guinea pig.
Next, enter the surgery room. It’s intimidating with many obscure machines and panels. Several nurses and the anesthesiologist start wiring me up like an old car about to get a jump-start; hope this works!
Don’t get me wrong; all the staff were friendly, informative, and caring. I commend them for also being professional.
Still, I’m in there now, told to lie on my left side, pull up my right knee, feeling a bit, uh, less than discreet? I think there’s a draft; I try to ignore it. But I guess my dignity went out the window earlier when I put on the blue hair net and gown.
All the while, I keep wondering when oh when are you guys gonna knock me out. I’m not exactly excited to be here. There’s a handful of people in there, then the actual doctor enters and shuts the door behind him. At this point, now I’m really about to speak up, “Hey, uh, y’all know I’m still awake, right?”
The anesthesiologist had already hooked me up and put something in the line but it did nothing. I’m aware, reading text on a monitor to distract myself and ensure I’m in the right room; I see my last name on the screen. That’s a comforting sign.
But as soon as the doctor closed the door behind him, the sedation expert signals the drugs are coming, might feel a burn, just breathe through it. And with that folks, I’m out!
Next, I’m super foggy, trying to get dressed in another room. My memory is mostly not intact. I’m told I made it to the next room where my wife is waiting. Again, I’m loopy, not really cognitive I guess. My wife says I tried to put on my jacket like the gown, backwards, and cracked a joke about it. Well, if she says so…
About the only thing I recall next is arriving in the drive-thru at Chik-Fil-A for FOOD. I needed to eat. A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, not his bum. Just sayin’.
Finally, we return home, I take a short nap, eat some more food. And I hope I didn’t say anything untoward during the fog of anesthesia.
It’s so great that today, we get to live in an age of modern medicine. What a blessing. I thank the good doctor and nurses who did their job, even if it was routine. They did it well. And I don’t have to do it for another ten years.
Oh, and great news too: I got a totally clean bill of health! No problems found. All the gluten I had eaten as a kid, and all the Tex-Mex I still nosh on now, no worries. Thank God.
Update: Corrected PICC line to IV.
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